26 December 1975 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium
[A sannyasin, looking close to tears as he talked, told Osho that he was feeling very sad and was easily hurt, and had felt like this for several weeks but he was unable to say what he felt was the reason for this. Osho asked his wife, who was also present, if she could comment, as her husband was not very clear about what was happening. Osho said that perhaps, unconsciously, he was avoiding facing up to the problem for fear that he would not be able to cope with it. He added that women are more perceptive than men about things pertaining to relationships, so perhaps she could be helpful. She said that she was feeling a need to be alone lately a feeling which was new to her and that she thought this might be upsetting her husband, adding that she felt distant from him and wanted to have her own; space. She said she used to cling to him a lot before. Her husband said he felt rejected, 'wiped out', but did not seem to see a connection between these feelings and his wife's desire be alone.] Now I understand exactly what the problem is. (to the husband) Because [your wife] has been always afraid of being alone, she was clinging to you and you enjoyed it, the ego enjoyed it. The male ego enjoys it very much when a woman goes on clinging. A woman is like a creeper, and the tree enjoys it tremendously that the woman is dependent, mm? She was afraid of her aloneness, that's why she was clinging to you. Now, the more meditative she will become, the more she will like to be alone because that is the only way she can get rid of her fear. So she wants to be alone, to be left alone, and you feel as if you are not needed, rejected. But you are not rejected at all, and it is not that you are not needed. In fact she is trying to stand on her own feet for the first time, and if you allow her and help her to stand on her own, only then will love be possible. Up to now it has not been love. She was clinging
to you because of her fear, and you were enjoying that because of your ego neither you nor she were in deep love. Now for the first time love is possible. If you help her to be alone, to get rid of the fear, she will always be grateful to you. And when she can be alone, and out of her aloneness she calls you, then there will be love, because then there is no question of fear. Only then can she share herself with you. And it is going to be good for you also, because it is just the ego that is feeling hurt. Nothing else feels hurt, it is always the ego. The ego is like a wound very touchy. You just touch it and it feels hurt. So she has been fulfilling your ego; now she wants to be alone and that hurts. Try to understand. Let her be alone, leave her alone and give her more and more space. Whenever you feel that she needs to be alone, just move away and she will love you tremendously for it because that is a gesture of love. When somebody needs to be alone you should leave them alone. If you love her, you understand the need it is a growth need. And she will be grateful for it, more grateful than ever. Remember always that if someone loves you out of fear, that love is bogus, because love cannot arise out of fear. It is an empty gesture. Love can arise only out of deep understanding, not out of fear. So this is going to help you both. And it was to come. Whenever a couple comes to me, the whole of their old pattern has to change, because they have lived in a certain relationship and now they start growing. That old relationship cannot contain you; you are becoming bigger and bigger. Your dresses were made for children and now they are too small and you feel confined. So don't cling to the old patterns; drop them. Help her to be alone. (addressing the wife) And... you remember not to hurt him unnecessarily. When you want to be alone, simply say you want to be alone. This too has to be understood, because many times we want to be alone but the way we express it is very ugly. We tell the other to go away or tell them that we don't need or love them any more. We may say these things, when in fact all we wanted to say was that we wanted to be alone. So when you want to be alone, simply ask him and be very loving so that he can understand. If he is in a misunderstanding he will create trouble for you, and then growth becomes impossible. You are both growing, and much love will happen. You are getting ready for it. Just a little waiting and patience is needed for it, mm? Don't be worried. Within weeks you will see a totally new quality of love coming between you, flowing between you, and much understanding, Everything will be good. [Osho then enquired after their little daughter, who was with them. He told them to help her to meditate, adding:] If from this age she can do some meditations, she will not have to come across many of the difficulties that you have. And if from the very beginning she becomes meditative, she will have a totally different life. Her choice will be different, her love will be different; her whole being will have a different dimension of growth. This is the right time to start meditating. And at this age the mind is almost clean, pure, innocent; if seeds are sown in it they go very deep. The fruits may not come soon, but they will come one day.
When you learn something later on, your own knowledge always functions as a barrier; it goes on rejecting many things, mm? [A sannyasin says: I've been feeling a struggle a lot in the last week. Feeling my heart beginning to open and flowing, and then coming in and clutching So I'm feeling both happy and sad at the same time. Enjoy both, mm? and don't choose. Once you choose you are ready for trouble. Sadness is as much a part of life as happiness. It is not to be denied, it has to be absorbed. It is a beautiful thing if you can fit into the total harmony. A man who cannot be unhappy, who cannot be sad, lacks something. His happiness will just be on the surface, superficial; sadness gives you a depth. So don't reject it because the mind has been trained to reject sadness. It has been trained just to be happy, which is foolish! If you want to laugh you will have to be capable of crying. If tears cannot come, your laughter will be just a painted laugh. If tears can come to you, only then the laughter will be deep and from your innermost core. One grows both ways simultaneously, like a tree. The tree grows high and the roots go low, deep into the earth. Your roots will go deep in sadness and your branches will go high in happiness and you are both. Accept both and enjoy both. If a man can accept the opposites then there is nothing else to learn. If you ask me the one lesson that needs to be learnt, I will say be happy with the opposite that will do. This is all there is to all philosophy, all religion. Try it! Good. [A sannyasin says: I'm laughing and I feel very sad... especially when I listen to you. In the beginning it was so beautiful. Every word was like honey and a great joy, and now I feel everything hurts me very much. The same words perhaps, but they go into me like a knife. I suffer very much.] Mm mm... suffer because you have to pass with me through all the phases of life. You have to be sad with me, suffer with me, celebrate with me. You have to pass through all the climates with me. I am not a particular season, I am the whole year. The summer will come and the winter, and there will be spring and there will be autumn and you have to go with me all the year round. There are persons who are like seasons; they have one taste. If they are summer, they are summer; if they are winter then they are winter. I am not fixed that way. And to me, people who have only one season are dead they don't know what life is. Life is a tremendous change, a tremendous flow. Waves upon waves, and the ocean goes on and on and the waves go on shattering on the rocks and continue their song. In different seasons, in different moods, you will have to live with me. When you have lived through all the seasons and all the moods, then you will understand what richness is. So allow that too. If my words are like flowers, let them be like knives penetrating you. If my words were like soothing balm, now let them be like fire and flames. Because finally you have to pass through all the opposites to come back home, to come to a point where opposites meet, mingle and disappear.
A point will come one day when you will listen to me and there will be neither sadness nor happiness. My words won't be like flowers and won't be like flames. You will simply listen in utter silence, not even a sound, nothing will happen. You will be as if you are not and only then you have heard the message. Before that many climates... but every climate is good, so enjoy that too, mm? If you live with me in the day, then who is going to live with me in the night? Accept all the ways I am, and each new phase will break something within you, a block, a frozenness and will help you to flow. I will hammer you in many ways. And surrender means that you are ready. If I am going to help, you are ready. If you say that you are surrendered and will follow me if I am going to heaven and not if I am going to hell, then you are not surrendered. If you are ready to go with me anywhere, only then you are ready to go with me. And this is my understanding: that unless you can touch the very bottom of hell you will never know what heaven is. That is why hell exists to purify you, to destroy you and all that is unnecessary so that heaven can flower in you. It is paradoxical, it appears paradoxical, but the flower of heaven blooms in hell. Ponder over it! (a chuckle) Good!