9 February 1976 pm in Chuang Tzu Auditorium
Dharma means the ultimata law, the very base of life, the very ground of existence. and Kaya means body the body of the ultimate law. This is a buddhist term, very meaningful... [A couple come with a relationship problem: She has a black eye and complains of lack of privacy in the room they share; and he wants more freedom to move with others.] So you have to decide either you live as friends or you separate .... And all other things are just excuses. If you are left alone you will be fighting more. If you can hit each other when other persons are there and intimacy is not possible, and you become so intimate that you hurt each other, if you are left alone you will kill each other, that's all. Commitment cannot be forced. No more of this fighting, and no more nonsense. Stop it. It is bad bad in the sense that it will make patterns in your mind. Again with someone else you will repeat the pattern, and because of this, Siddhesh will become afraid of all women and will never be committed to anyone. He will become scared, because even without commitment there is such ugliness and misery. Once you become fixed in a pattern, whenever you will be in any relationship, immediately you will become possessive, jealous, talking of commitment, this and that. Make the person happy so he feels there is no need for any other relationship. On the contrary, you make such trouble that even if he was not thinking of another relationship, he will have to think just to escape from you. So you are doing something self-defeating. Drop it. You are free. If you feel like moving with someone else, you can move. So this night, without fighting, you sit and decide. If you both come to a point where you feel it is good to remain friends and be together, remain together. If you think that this is not possible, that
you need a commitment and only then can you be happy, then Siddhesh has to be completely freed from the relationship so he can move. This is one of the deep-rooted problems in any man/woman relationship. Man has more need of freedom than love, and woman has more need of love than of freedom. It is not only your problem; it is a problem all over the world with every couple. The woman is not worried about freedom at all. She is ready to become a slave if only she can make the other a slave also. She is ready to move into any commitment if the other is also forced into a commitment. She is ready to live in a prison if the other is ready to live in a dark cell. And the man is ready to even sacrifice love if it becomes too risky for his freedom. He would like to live in the open sky; even alone, it is okay. He would like to live in a loving relationship, but it becomes dark and an imprisonment. So this is the trouble. If they are understanding, they settle somewhere. He brings his need for freedom a little lower, and the woman brings her need for commitment and possessiveness a little lower; they come to a balance fifty/fifty. The woman then needs fifty percent love, fifty percent commitment, and the man fifty percent love, fifty percent freedom. Then there is a possibility of understanding and growth. If you ask for a hundred percent commitment and he asks for a hundred percent freedom, then there is going to be continuous conflict and bickering and nagging and this is ugly. And what is the point of it all? You find somebody else. You may find someone who wants to be committed, and he may find someone who allows him freedom. Either understand and be together or move away, but no more fighting. So tonight you talk and I know it is difficult to talk, because immediately talk means fighting. I never see any man and woman talking really either they love or they fight. Communication becomes almost impossible because whatsoever you say is interpreted in a different way. But this night you try. One has to become aware that this asking for too much commitment or for too much freedom, are both immaturities. Somewhere one has to come to terms with the other person. Once you understand that man needs more freedom, you put down your demands for commitment. Once the man understands that the woman needs commitment, he puts down his demand for freedom, that's all. If you love, you are ready to sacrifice a little. If you don't love, it is better to separate. So you talk together, but talk I'm not saying to fight and hit each other. No need if you are too hot right now wait two or three days but always come to an understanding that will be a growth to you. [The Tao group are present. One participant says: It was good to just relax and not resist.] Resistance is one of the most basic problems, and out of that all other problems are created. Once you resist something you are in trouble. Jesus has said, 'Resist not evil.' Even evil should not be resisted, because resistance is the only evil, the only sin. When you resist something it means you are separating yourself from the whole. You are trying to become an island, separate, divided. You are condemning, judging, saying this is
not right, that should not be so, that ought not be so. Resistance means you have taken a posture of judgement. If you don't resist, then there is no separation between you and the energy that is moving around. Suddenly you are with it so much so that you are not; only the energy is moving. You can be only in separation. That's why the mind tends to judge, because in judgement it can exist. The mind tends to resist, because in resistance it can exist. If it flows with energy, if it is in a let-go, it disappears. If you are simply moving with the whole wherever it is going, if you are not pushing the river, then you are not... you dissolve. That is the whole effort here to help you to dissolve, to help you to die. Once you know the beauty of death then there is no trouble. Then you yourself will take all opportunities to die you will not miss a single opportunity. Whenever you feel that this is the moment to die, you will jump in and die. So learn to cooperate with things that are going on; don't put yourself against the whole. By and by you start feeling a tremendous new energy that comes by walking in step with the whole, because in resistance you dissipate energy. In non-resistance you absorb energy. That is the whole eastern attitude about life: accept and don't resist, surrender and don't fight. Don't try to be victorious, and don't try to be the first. Lao Tzu has said that nobody can defeat me because I have accepted defeat and I am not hankering for any victory. How can you defeat anyone who is not hankering for any victory? How can you defeat a non-ambitious man? How can you kill a person who is himself ready to die? Impossible. Through this surrender, one comes to be victorious. Let this be an insight and you will be doing other groups, so follow this; don't waste time in resisting. Just move with the whole as if you are dancing with the whole. Be in step; don't fall out of step. Ride on the wave of the whole, with the whole group. A tremendous opportunity is open. You can ride on it and it can take you farther than you can imagine. My insistence for group work is only because alone you will not be able to go very far. Together you create so much energy and if everybody is in tune with the whole then the energy is superb. It is not just a total of the whole; it is more than the total. when two persons are in tune, then God is available. When a group is in tune, egos dissolve and a group soul exists, and that takes possession of you. In that moment your ego is not a barrier, and the divine can become more easily available to you. Alone, you resist more. Alone, you are more on guard trying to secure yourself. Alone, you remain with closed doors. But when others open, suddenly it is catching, it is contagious. One person opens, and the very opening of that person helps others to open. They see the beauty suddenly coming to the other person the face transfigured, the energy around him now having a totally different quality to it. In that moment you are also persuaded to be open; there is no need to fear. So next group, from the very first moment, flow with the whole. Just drop all judgements, all opinions. Enjoy the sheer delight of cooperating with the group; in tune with it, in harmony.